So, I’ve recently had to add a few days a week of working in the ‘burbs to my life. Of course, the particular suburb in question has two main yet completely different ways to reach it from my house, both of which fucking suck. As a result, I’m spending a lot of time on multi-lane highways not moving.
This is the River Road Plaza. If you look carefully, you can see 37 lanes of traffic merging down into three in the far distance. Time stops here.
I need to amuse myself somehow in these situations. Of course, I’m enjoying the chance to immerse myself full-bore in some extended music-listening, which is something I don’t get to do very much anymore. That’s cool. But it’s also not quite distracting enough.
So… I occasionally take pictures of stupid shit. Relax, I’m not putting anyone at risk (unlike, say, the disturbing number of people I see doing 30MPH in 60MPH traffic who are fully engaged with their phones instead of paying any attention to their driving. Holy hell. I hope every single one of these people die in a traffic incident that does not involve hitting me). I only take pictures when traffic is well and truly NOT FUCKING MOVING AT ALL WHICH HAPPENS APPROXIMATELY 47 TIMES PER COMMUTE.
Anyway… I’ll occasionally toss up pics of interest here. Take this jagbag, for instance:
What we have here, in case you can’t tell, is a fucking Dodge Stratus all butched out with a coffe can exhaust and a flared-bumper skirt apparently made out of the same plastic crap as my cell phone’s case. You can also note the (of course) slumping, baseball-hat wearing head of the fuckin’ mook responsible for this cartrocity (see what I did there?).
Will Ferrell’s Disrespected Dad character on SNL is the only person in the history of cars to think that this car is worth a goddamned thing. Why would you even try to pimp this ride? Am I supposed to think your car goes faster due to this ridiculously imbalanced “aero-skirt” that probably does the same for your car’s aerodynamic properties as bolting a washer/dryer combo to the roof would? Why do you have two exhaust cutouts for only one exhaust? What the fuck is with the Diver Down sticker covering your brake bulb?
Who made you this way and why?
Needless to say, this guy also didn’t know jack nor shit about how to fuckin’ drive. Navigating the River Road Plaza merge requires at least a cursory understanding of zipper-merging and lane management. Knowing that that weird stalk that hangs off of your steering wheel can actually activate lights on the front and back of your car to signal to other drivers your intention to move in a certain direction other than straight ahead would help this kid, too.
I hope that, in the course of installing all of these shitty mods, duder gently pierced his fuel tank so that, when he inevitably tries to pull a no-signal blind merge in front of a UPS triple-trailer going all-out that his end is mercifully brief.