Starbucks and the “War on Christmas”

Christians Whining About Some Dumb Shit Yet Again

You mewling cunts. You cowardly little whinging twats. What, it’s not good enough for you that the fucking cups are red and green and even GLANCING at them sears the eyes with irrevocable images of IT IS CHRISTMASTIME SO UP YOUR CONSUMING IMMEDIATELY, PROLE? You’re not going to be happy until every fucking tiny thing associated with this actually thoroughly-de-religioned festival of gross consumerism is stamped with an actual image of your god’s son (or your god… or… fuck, man, your theology makes as much sense as a two-year old hopped up on Kit-Kats, I have no idea how to phrase that but you all know what I mean) cannonading out of the Virgin Mary’s Inviolate Vagina while the Three Wise Men do The Wave in the background?

You fucking unsatisfiable bastards.

You DO realize that the fucking cups in question have NEVER carried explicitly Christian imagery, because Starbucks isn’t an explicitly Christian company, and their products have FUCK ALL to do with religion, so why the fuck would they?!?!!?

Just… shut up. Shut the fucking fuck up already. There is no fucking war on Christmas, it’s the most universally celebrated fucking holiday in this country, it gets WAY MORE attention and public acknowledgment than any other religion’s high holiday (QUICK QUIZ: without googling, tell me when or what Eid is? You can’t, can you? You provincial shitbird. Fuck off), it’s “under attack” by precisely no one because even the shittiest, Dawkins-worshipping atheist asshole nephew of yours who wears a God Is Dead t-shirt to Christmas and rolls his eyes during Grace is STILL THERE WITH YOU CELEBRATING MOTHERFUCKING CHRISTMAS so can you PUH-LEEZE drop this wounded angel act and just accept that christians, particularly the real dumb white baptist kind, still dominate this country’s entire culture and therefore acting like you’re the last Druze in Lebanon just makes you look like a ginormous fucking pussy?

Christ (all puns intended).

Author: Shawn Ritchie

Chicago, Whiskeys, Guitars, Blackhawks and Nerdery.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s