Never Thought I’d Pine for Nelson Rockefeller

Mark Zuckerberg Promises To Put A Bunch of Money Into a Not-Charity, At Some Vague Point In the Future

Honestly, I liked it better when our oligarchs would just, like, build a kickass library or museum with their ill-gotten moneys and then hand it over to the appropriate municipal agency or university to manage. They got to have their name inscribed on some marble pile for posterity, the local community got a tangible benefit that was open to all members of that community to use, everybody was happy.

Instead, today, we get dorks who figured out a way to monetize putting me in touch with the racist assholes I went to high school with putting all of their money into tax dodges designed to specifically keep said money out of the public good, and then using these tax dodges to fund “charities” that are really just ways to deprive government agencies of needed (and, frankly, owed) revenue and instead push whatever dickhead personal agenda the rich asshole wishes to push.

Look, nerds, yay for you, you’re finally the kings of the fuckin’ hill, you make more money than any five hedge fund assholes, nobody’s going to be green-lighting Revenge of the Nerds V anytime soon because those movies don’t even make fucking sense anymore, but get over yourselves. Oh, you stole ideas from others to build the dominant office computer operating system? And then you bought a different company that figured out how to do spreadsheets good and made a bundle? That’s great, Billy Gates, but it doesn’t fucking mean you’re now somehow qualified to decide how toilets should work or how sanitation should be provided to Third World villages. Likewise, Fuckerberg, just because you leveraged your Aspergers and your envy complex and the programming skills of your less-mercenary friends into, let us not forget, what was originally a way to judge college women on their looks anonymously over the Internet and stumbled into making a business out of it doesn’t mean you’re the guy who should get to decide how education in America should function.

Just… fuck it. All of your kids are pretty much damned to be the sort of weirdo rich bastards that’ll make Paris Hilton look like Joan of fucking Arc by the time they’ve reached adulthood, so just leave the fuckin’ money to them and their inevitable coke problems and rape scandals, give the tax man his cut of your estate, and go to your graves quietly already.