The Rehabilitation of Joe Buck: Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

Bill Simmons’ New Website Tries to Convince Us That Joe Buck Is Cool

Uhhhh: No. Fuck no. FUCK. NO.

I know that one of the greatest past-times of folks on the Internet these days is trying to convince other people that things we all know IN OUR GUTS to fucking suck somehow not only don’t fucking suck, but are actually way cool. Shit like 80’s family sitcoms, fuckin’ Hi-C Ectoplasm drinks, new Radiohead albums…

And now we’re going to try this with Joe Buck? No. Just no. Fuck him forever, and fuck the author of this slurp-job panegyric to an awful announcer who should be banished to announcing amateur pole-vaulting qualification trials in Kazakhstan for the rest of his life.

Oh, he’s got an ex-cheerleader wife? Of course he does, he’s an extremely over-paid TV personality who’s embedded in the heart of American sports against all reasonable explanations. Doesn’t make him cool.

Oh, he hangs out with Jon Hamm? Jon Hamm’s great, but he also doesn’t drink anymore, and if you hang out with somebody who doesn’t drink, that’s fuckin’ aces, but it certainly doesn’t bask you in reflected cool or somehow make you not fucking suck at your own job.

Joe is to exciting sports moments what a picture of your nana is to a boner. Joe is to good sports-announcing what an open cold sore is to a swingers’ orgy.

Joe Buck sucks, and this article is bullshit.

4 thoughts on “The Rehabilitation of Joe Buck: Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

  1. Geoff

    Couldn’t agree more. I don’t give a shit if Joe Buck is the most amazeballs person with his friends, *my* interaction with him is listening to him be a shitty sports announcer. He can take a great moment and completely marginalize it, as opposed to his father who did some of the iconic calls in baseball history.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Shawn Ritchie

    Exactly. I’m sure Eva Braun had fond memories of joking over a nice dinner with Adolf before watching a nice Reisenthel movie on Date Night, but it doesn’t mean he was also not somehow a murdering genocidal prick otherwise. I guess what I’m saying is: Joe Buck is literally Hitler.

    Like

  3. Shawn Ritchie

    I’m a hardcore traditionalist and believe that Godwin’ing is only valid on Usenet.

    Aside: I’ve actually chatted with the Mike Godwin of Godwin’s Law fame on FB. He’s good friends with a good friend/old boss of mine out in LA. Dude is fucking smaaaaaaaaaart; I’d rather slap a nun than argue with him in public.

    Like

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