Fuck These Garbage Bags

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Yeah, these guys right here. Fuck these bags.

You know how much time I wanna spend thinking about garbage bags? Fucking NONE, that’s how much. It should be a fucking binary split-second thought:

  • I have garbage bags

or

  • I need garbage bags

Of course, like every other goddamned thing in this bloated, end-stage capitalism nightmare of a country, it cannot be that simple. Just like with fucking crackers, chips, deodorant, toothpaste, soap, every goddamned thing, there’s 74 fucking varieties to sort through and somehow discern the differences between and for most things I just say “FUCK IT I DON’T NEED THIS SHIT” but garbage bags are one of those essential things that life gets really shitty without fast.

So, every time I buy them I can’t remember exactly what fucking kind we just ran out of or like so I grab whichever collection of adjectives looks most likely to not completely piss me off.

This carefully-considered strategy has worked perfectly for lo the many, many years I have been buying garbage bags.

Until THESE motherfuckers came into my life. Yeah, you: Hefty Ultra Strong Clean Burst w/Active TEAR RESISTANT Technology

Pretty much every goddamned word in your very name is a lie. I’m not even a third of the way through the fucking box yet and I’ve had to punt three fucking bags for ripping while I put them into the garbage can, new and empty. Like, not even the structural failure you get and can kinda understand when you’ve just overloaded a bag to hell, but no, they fucking rip right down the side just from the simple, low-pressure act of being installed.

And I’ve had two other fuckin’ bags go to shit when I’ve tried to remove it from the can, with one or both of the handles ripping right the fuck out on the attempt. And it’s not due to overloading because we generally don’t make that much throw-out garbage, the bag’s usually half-full but super-stinky and I take it out at that point even though every fiber of my cheap-ass being would prefer to wait until it’s full. And the handles just strip right out, leaving me to have to hug-carry a ripped bag of smelly vegetable refuse and cat poop down to the chute.

It’s not like this is a box of Pakistani off-brand ‘HUFFTEE” garbage bags I bought at the fuckin’ Dollar Store or something; these are spendy-assed, top of the line, fulla technological marvels Hefty Premium As Fuck garbage bags. And, to be clear, I’ve always bought some kinda Hefty bags and they’ve always worked without fail until I got these pieces of shit.

So, yeah, don’t buy these fucking things. I’m going back to my usual principle of buying whatever has the least number of superlatives on the box.

Author: Shawn Ritchie

Chicago, Whiskeys, Guitars, Blackhawks and Nerdery.