haha just got my check for that experian data breach that was supposed to be like $125 a person if you didn’t want “free data monitoring” instead and everybody affected was like “fuck you, you’re clearly terrible at what you’re supposed to do so keep your free bullshit service and gimme the cash” and they were all whoa whoa whoa even though we made *checks notes* NINE HUNDRED AND NINETY FUCKING FOUR MILLION GODDAMNED DOLLARS in profit in 2018 we didn’t expect you rubes, you absolute fucking suckers who HAVE NO FUCKING CHOICE IN THE MATTER WHEN IT COMES TO GIVING US ALL OF YOUR PERSONAL IDENTIFYING INFO THAT WE PROMPTLY AND COMPREHENSIVELY LOST TO EVERY FUCKIN’ RUSSIAN DATA GOON AND NIGERIAN LOTTERY PRINCE ON THE PLANET to actually want us to PAY for our gross, criminal incompetence so we’re gonna have a rethink here” and then they made us all reconfirm that yes we wanted the fucking money due to us and they i dunno somehow have the pull to tell the gov’t and courts “yeah that settlement we agreed to? too much money, even though we have fucking GOBS of it even though we’re also objectively fucking terrible at our primary job” and lol how much did this check end up being for?
$8.65
I sure wish I could go to places I owe money to like Comed or my mortgage fuckers and be like “yeah, I _have_ the money, and I deffo agreed to pay this bill and shit but i’d rather just keep that money so I’m gonna give you like 7% of what I’m supposed to instead” and just walk away knowing that there’s fuckall they could do to me about it.
Every C-suite dickhead that’s ever worked at this reprehensible, actually-criminal enterprise should be prison currency somewhere, but there’s no god, no lord, and no justice in this world so i’m sure they’re off enjoying their new fourth yacht or whatever instead.
shawn ritchie dot com 