Stop. Electing. Racist. Assholes. Iowa.

 
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Can my Iowa friends’n’fam explain this fuckin’ dope to me? I don’t like it, but I can at least understand it when some racist shithead small pond political asshole from a third world wasteland like Alabama flies a Confederate flag; it’s because they are asshole racists and wish that Alabama was still part of the Confederacy and had legal slavery.
 
But Steve here? YOU’RE FROM FUCKING IOWA. WHICH WAS A UNION STATE. So you’re basically saying you just want to be able to own black people again, and you wish you could disenfranchise black people back down to chattel slavery SOOOOOO MUCH that you’re willing to proudly fly the flag of a country neither you nor your people have ever been part of, the flag of a country that was the worst, most dangerous enemy YOUR ACTUAL COUNTRY ever fucking faced (Nazi Germany was never going to destroy the Union, though things would’ve sucked for Europe if we had lost. The Confederacy came damned close, and they killed more Americans on the battlefield than any other enemy ever has).
 
This is something that only a COMPLETE FUCKING ASSHOLE would possibly do.
 
And sure. There’s no law against being an asshole. But constantly electing one? I condemn your entire state for this. Throw this asshole out already.

Don’t Fuck With The Bus

As mentioned innumerable times before, my commute kinda blows. To prevent it from ending up with me on top of a tower bellowing threats at a SWAT team, I have to find ways to distract and amuse myself, particularly since the driving itself is no fun at all nor engaging because it's really hard to fuck up and crash OR just enjoy putting a car through its paces when you're averaging 9MPH the whole way. So, podcasts and music do the heavy lifting of distracting me from the boring tediousness of this kind of driving. Once in a while, though, I also get to witness the kind of dumb shit that proves it's been and will continue to be worth my time to work very hard at not getting angry while driving.

Take this morning. Any commuter whose route has them on city surface streets for any length of time knows what it's like to deal with busses. As part of my "Stay Zen" commuting philosophy, I don't waste any energy trying to get ahead of busses or cut them off when I need to turn right and they're in the turning lane… it's a fuckin' bus. No matter when and where you come across one, at some point REAL SOON, it's going to pull over to let people in/out and you will pass it. And they're keeping a large number of folks from being on the road solo in their own cars themselves, clogging shit up worse.

In short: Busses Are A Good Thing. Don't be a dick to busses.

Of course, not everybody adheres to this philosophy. Nay, FEW people do. Most people, for whatever reason, look at a bus in front of their car like it's fucking their mom or something. These people, to be clear, are fuckin' assholes.

As was the guy I saw this morning. Picture your textbook shitty old white guy.  In his 70's or just a badly-maintained 60's… white hair flying out all over under a cheap baseball hat. Perma-scowl etched into his face. The kinda guy who you know just by looking at him, he's gonna vote for Trump. The kinda guy that you know ruins at least one Denny's waitress' (he ain't got IHOP money) or Dollar Store clerk's fuckin' day, EVERY day. Just a shitty dude, who has no empathy or sympathy for anyone else as we are all, at best, annoyances getting in the way of his slow march to the grave. And he was NOT about to let a goddamned BUS, paid for by HIS tax money so a bunch of poor browns could possibly come into HIS neighborhood, to get in front of him. No. Fucking. Way. Now… busses are big and powerful, but slow. Takes time to get anything that size up to speed. There are VERY FEW cars that can't out-race a bus from a dead stop. A 2014 Toyota Corolla, however, is one of those cars. Much to Ol' Shithead's impotent fury. The bus driver was an African-American man, middle-aged. He had a look of such grim, focused determination on his face that was positively frightening: this old white prick was NOT getting in front of him. Now, I'm ascribing a lot of motives I can't possibly have been privy to here, but, c'mon: I've seen enough driver vs. bus shitheadery to be able to tell immediately what was going on. I don't know if these guys had been dogging each other for like a mile down Lawrence at this point already or if this was just a single stoplight making of eye contact between two dudes who instinctively oppose each other that led to this, but it was clear that Some Shit Had Gone Down and now these two dudes hated each other. What I _was_ privy to was this sequence of events: Shitty white guy, red-faced and angry, absolutely flooring the miserable 4-pot engine and crap-assed automatic transmission that base-spec penalty box Corolla comes with for all it's worth. Which ain't much. A bus being pushed to (and possibly beyond) the absolute limits of its accelerative powers, to the point that I swear the front end of this thing was rearing upwards as it screamed down the street. The bus didn't win outright, but it got far enough ahead of the Corolla to where it could impose its will in this game of chicken. The parking lane was coming up soon, and the bus either had to hit the brakes or make a move to take the lane. Of course, duder chose to take the lane, and FUCK the asshole in the cheap little import trying to interfere with that plan out of sheer orneriness. Corolla Guy had been trying to fully pass the bus since the previous stop, but his sadmobile had barely got him even with the back third of it by this point. So he's NOT gonna pass the bus, period. The bus driver, for his part, the fuck does he care? His bus weighs about 40,000lbs, empty. That Toyota doesn't even weigh 3,000. Bus driver knows he ain't getting hurt if the Toyota doesn't give and smacks into the back side of his bus. Here's where I find that it gets interesting, though: if Corolla Guy had any spine to back up his impotent anger, he could've taken the hit. Even full out, neither vehicle managed to build up much in the way of speed (I think both that bus and that car are officially rated to do a 0-60MPH run in "maybe"), so the collision would've been annoying and probably really bad for the car but it's a new enough car to be safe enough that a sub-30MPH sideswipe collision is not going to hurt the driver much at all unless the odds are REALLY against him. And then he's basically written himself a check on the City's dime for damages and pain and suffering. But no, that would take even one iota of balls to go through with. Instead, like most screamy old fuckers when actually challenged on their bullshit, Grampa Grumpy backed down, slammed on the brakes, and let the bus take the lane. By now, my lane is moving, so I take one last look at his face: the engulfing depression of utter defeat barely masking a deep-seated, decades-built rage. Yet another defeat, and you, sir, are now 0-for-A Lifetime.

Next time? Maybe let the bus in, and get to Denny's 30 seconds later than you would have otherwise, and leave a fat fuckin' tip when you're done and go home with your dignity intact.

Too Long For Facebook: Bulgarian Barber Terror

AUTHOR'S NOTE: For years, my standard response to complaints about what or how much I post on Facebook has been "Fuck you if you don't like it, you CHOSE to see my shit. Feel free to unfriend and/or block me because I literally do not give any fucks either way". And, to be very clear, I still absolutely feel that way. There's just a part of me, though, that misses the pre-social media days, the good ol' Web2.0 when people who wanted to write had their own blogs and owned and controlled their own content instead of just generating it for behemoth aggregators like FB and Twitter for free… therefore, some of the longer stuff, I'll post here instead and just link to this on FB rather than dump the whole thing there. My FB friends, I'm sure, will appreciate the option to ignore this shit when it scrolls through their feed. I'll appreciate having my own goddamned writings controlled on my own site when the Zuckerberg Tax of 2024 is enacted and Facebook is allowed to retroactively charge us all a dollar for every update we've ever posted to his fuckin' tar pit of a website. Anywho, on with the actual post…

Fuckin' hell. One of my sisters is getting married this coming weekend so we have a lot to get done to make sure we're ready for it; y'know, reserve the hotel, make sure the suit is back from the cleaners, get a haircut…

For the latter, I didn't want to have that "totally just got a haircut" look going so the plan was for me to take care of that this past weekend so I'm not stressing it this week nor looking entirely like an alcoholic hobo at my beloved sibling's special day.

This past weekend was overbooked, but I had a window of like 1.5 hours to get it taken care of on Saturday, which, given that I don't patronize some "schedule it a month in advance and bring a credit check" salon NOR an off-the-books old 'hood joint where somebody's slightly palsied auntie will take a weed-whacker to your lid for a ten spot, should've made this doable.
So, of course, there was an hour-plus wait.

Now… it's bad enough that I pay $23 for a haircut to begin with since, when you have as little hair left as I do, you're basically paying for the memory of actually needing a haircut more than you are the stylist's time. It's a lil' bit of anachronistic vanity, y'know, "whooaaaa the ol' golden locks are gettin' a litttttttle TOO flow-y right now, better have Delilah trim back Samson's magic power source here or panties are gonna be flyin' at me from every direction, amirite, ladies?".
I'm dumb and nostalgic enough for my old thick long hair to pay $23 once in a while to be reminded of that feeling.
I'm NOT dumb enough to wait a goddamned hour for it.
So color me pleasantly surprised when, a mere five hours later than I was _planning_ to take my lunch break today (thanks, workplace! You're #1!), I'm fighting rush hour traffic through the north side to the joint, which, miraculously, not only DOESN'T have a wait at the moment, but has a barber (they don't call themselves that, they're stylists, of course, but I already typed that word once a few paragraphs ago and I _STILL_ feel douche-y about it) waiting for a customer. Boom. Walk right in, don't even have to turn on the Kindle because Mr. Important gets to slide right into a chair.
BEST is this… I don't care who cuts my hair. Truly, I don't. As mentioned, I don't have much left, so it's not like giving me a high'n'tight would stress even a first-semester at University of Phoenix's Bachelors of Liberal & Beauty Arts program student's chops. So, whichever barber is available, I'll take.
EXCEPT this Bulgarian lady who works there. She's a tiny thing, extreme amounts of makeup, extremely high hair, extreme aggression. I lost the "Next Available" lottery to this fuckin' scissors-wielding nightmare once.
And only once.
There's no other way to describe it other than… she beat THE SHIT out of my head. She worked the clippers like they were divorce papers and my head was the abusive American slob who ordered her off of "slavicbrides.com" ten years ago. She said NOTHING to me beyond "what you want for hair?". And, man, I am a pleasant goddamned customer. I loathe fuckers who are dicks to service industry people. I am "Hi, how are you?", a smile on my face, charge me for the shampoo but we'll be skipping that part because EW, weird, and you can quickly cram another paying customer into your chair here because I will smilingly be on my way in about four minutes, because giving me a haircut is the dictionary picture of Easy Money.
Seriously. I have no idea what her damage was.
I swear my head was bruised and had like three nicks that itched while they healed on it after she was done.
"But why didn't you tell her to knock it off, smr?!?!?! Why put up with that?"
Yeah, you go spend your childhood growing up in a Slavic neighborhood having mean small old Polish ladies scare the shit out of you in the neighborhood all the time and then having mean, small but beautiful Polish girls attract and terrify you throughout your teenaged years and THEN tell me that that accent coming out of a stern blonde face doesn't reduce you to mute submission every time.
So yeah, I consoled myself by getting the fuck out of there afterwards and telling the hostess every time since "I'll take next available but, um… not the little one" if she's working when I walk in.
Now, imagine my joy when I walk in today and she's there but NOT the free barber. Instead, I get the nice Filipino dude who does a fast, great job every time.
And my pissy Bulgarian tormentor? She's stuck giving a long, careful haircut to Captain Actually instead. I'm telling you… you haven't enjoyed life until you've gotten to witness a tiny Bulgarian witch-barber that you HATE have to listen to a m'lady-ing Fedora Farmer mansplain to her about how cash money and checks are not even going to exist in ten more years because Bitcoin.
It was DELICIOUS. This fuckin' guy actually had the stones to tell her "they don't even USE checks in Europe anymore at all!". Yes, this dipshit Brony actually said this to a woman who's PAINFULLY AND OBVIOUSLY FROM FUCKING EUROPE. I mean, she's got an accent so thick that you can physically cut a slice of it out of the air in front of her mouth when she talks, but nope, this guy's gonna tell her how things REALLY are back in her homeland that the sum total of HIS knowledge of comes from a Reddit sub-thread on how to buy child-themed sex animes online without getting caught.
Hell, I _almost_ rooted for her a little bit when she replied, quite stonily, "Huh. I just back in Bulgaria last summer. Used checks". Which, of course, the fuckin' greasy manga fan in her chair obliviously failed to hear and/or let derail in the _slightest_ his ongoing man-ologue about The Future of Money.
I can only imagine, by the time she was done, that he was actually missing entire chunks of his scalp.

So, thanks, haircut place! Yeah, I spent too much time and money getting my bald spots shaped again, but I left there with a spring in my step and a smile on my face, and can you really put a price on that?