Steve Would’ve Never Let This Happen

I don't understand the iPad Pro line from Apple. A few months ago they release the biggest, fastest iPad ever, with the most RAM and new accessories that only it can use, the regular iPads need not apply. Then, more recently, they release what everybody would consider the mainstream version, which has a lot of the bad-assed stuff of its older brother, but not all of it, and it's a bit smaller.

So far, so good.

Until one realizes that this smaller, supposedly NOT the top of the iPad line has a better, if smaller, screen than its big brother. And some fancy light detection technology that will change the color warmth of the screen automatically to match its surroundings. AND it has a way better camera.

So, like.. what the fuck?

Yeah, first world problems and all that, but if you want the absolute best iPad today to future proof yourself, there isn't a clear answer. Best iPhone? 6S or 6S+, the only difference is the size, pick accordingly. Best Mac laptop? Macbook Pro Retina 15, loaded. Best iMac? The big one, loaded. Best iPad? Uhhhh… depends.

I like Apple's willingness to have top-tier internals across a wide variety of sizes; the iPhone SE is a great example of this, providing first-rate hardware in a form factor the market has otherwise abandoned or consigned to shitty performance due to gimped parts from the bin bucket. But I cannot understand why they did this weird separation of high-end features across their top two iPads.

So, I'll just stick with my iPad Air 2 for now. Fuckin' thing works fine, anyways.

One Messaging App To Rule Them All

Facebook Messenger. Google Hangouts. iMessages. Pushbullet. What'sApp. Snapchat. Slack. SMS. AIM (lol).

I am fucking sick and tired of Messaging apps. Not because I hate messaging folks; NAY! I much prefer it to having to actually (ick) talk to people like, in person or, worse, over the phone.

No, I'm sick of how fucking MANY of the goddamned things I have to keep installed to stay in touch with everyone, everywhere. And I'm further sick of the ones I use most not existing on all platforms I need to use them on.

At the most, I would think two of these fucking things would suffice; the one you use to talk to family and friends, and whatever work inflicts on you. But no; some co-workers fear change so they're using AOL still because that's what IT approved in 1997 and that's that. Other co-workers will use Slack with you but IT doesn't trust it so you can't do a general roll-out because some guys don't have admin rights to install anything on their machines because why would you trust the guys who build the stuff that makes all of the company's money with any level of control over their personal work machines?

Over on the personal side of things, iMessages is great and you can use it on your iPhone, your iPad and your Mac but WHOOOPS! Apple likes to pretend PC's somehow still don't exist so you get nothing on Windows (well, iTunes exists there because they can directly make money from it but let's not pretend iTunes is anything but a brutally painful experience on any platform and that's a post for another day…) so have fun typing on your phone while you're at work and your wife needs to know how to get Netflix to work on your mother-in-law's TV. Meanwhile, Pushbullet is every bit as good if not better than iMessages if you're rocking the Android lifestyle 'cuz it's got great apps for phones, PC's and a fine browser plugin for Safari on the Mac but BZZZZT what if you're in that common boat of having an Android phone but an iPad tablet? Go fuck yourself, that's what, because Apple will dig up the corpse of Steve Jobs and let Bill Gates have sex with it live during their next keynote before they'll allow a non-Apple app touch the messaging stack on their iOS devices.

Facebook Messenger could allllllmost fill this niche as it exists for every possible platform up to and including your toaster, but then you have the problem of, if you're a middle-aged white guy like me, of having a lot of folks you actually want to talk to who don't have Facebook accounts because they think Mark Zuckerberg is an Illuminati or Freemason or they somehow think that not using FB prevents a single goddamned thing when it comes to corporations and/or the government building up a profile on them (SPOILER ALERT: it doesn't; you're fucked, coming and going, always, without exception) and so nope, that can't do.

Google Hangouts is such a shitty app that even Google doesn't use it anymore.

I don't even understand what the fuck Snapchat is but the only way I can get my dealer to respond to me is to send him a picture of my dick with my order written on it in glitter via that app so I have to keep it around and come to think of it that's kinda fuckin' weird of the guy, no?

I just want one messaging app that does all of the following:

  • Works on EVERYTHING. Mac, Windows, iOS, Android, WinPhone… I guess Blackberry can fuck off at this point, but that's about all I'm willing to forsake. And I prefer dedicated apps on the desktop, but would settle for a robust webapp that properly integrates with Chrome or Safari's desktop push notifications.
  • Can talk to all of these other stupid formats. Remember Adium? Pidgin? You had ONE app and could Instant Message people on MSN, AOL, Yahoo, IRC, one app that spoke to all the other popular platforms… I realize this is probably a dead letter at this point, because Adium and those others cared primarily about helping people communicate, whereas today every commo platform cares most about being able to harvest as much of your information as possible, locking you into their platform, and selling your profile to advertisers. So, I'd settle for just "if I have a valid phone # or email, this app should be able to communicate with you from me over text messaging".
  • Syncs properly. If I read a text from my wife on my phone, I don't want the desktop app to still think that message is unread. This should be simple. For some reason, it is not. IMessages does decent with this, but sometimes it gets confused about what device I'm actually on and never shows me a new text when I'm actively using, say, my iPad, but the app on my phone, which is on a desk somewhere far away from me, is showing the red notification pip just fine. Dumb. And infuriating.
  • I'd prefer if these apps never showed me emoji. Like, EVER.
  • But they should easily show me attachments or pop out links to the browser on whatever device I'm looking at.

It feels like this will be possible one day soon; Pushbullet is basically there, but only for folks who are all-in on Android for their phone and tablets. I am not, and switch around, so it's just close enough to be infuriating when I bump up against the edge cases where it's not.

Then again, maybe not. I have adult friends these days who literally don't bother with any sort of actual computer in their life. They have a smartphone and that's it, so native SMS covers them entirely. So maybe this will never happen and I should just go fuck myself.

TODAY ‘ S EPISODE OF REAL SPECIFIC NERD BEEFS: Auto-Capitalization After Erroneous Auto-Correct in iOS

So, iOS will often autocorrect a mis-typing of "in a" to "Ina", because OF COURSE many more people have a friend with Scandinavian ancestry that they're referring to to a third party via text than would EVER need to type "in a". So, fine, fucking thing overwrites my error with its own, now it says "Ina" in the middle of a sentence.

delete-delete-delete-delete and type "in a" where it should have been to begin with.

iOS writes "In a", capitalizing the "in" even though that's absolutely senseless in this context.

So you have to delete everything AGAIN, UNCHECK the shift key that will otherwise needlessly capitalize your "in", and then type "in a" for what is now the sixteenth time.

What the fuck, iOS? Wouldn't a better assumption be that, since the capitalization only originated with your erroneous autocorrection to begin with, and given that the writer is now deleting your autocorrection, indicating that it was WRONG, that your capitalization was ALSO incorrect and therefore you should leave the goddamned keyboard in its default state instead of invoking a special mode that, in every other instance, has to be specifically invoked by the user?

God DAMN it. This happens to me a million times a day. I know it's because Apple (and Android does this too) expects you to choose from their row above the keyboard of possible corrections rather than just do the work yourself, but I can retype this shit faster than I can move my thumbs up to that row and choose as the cognitive workload is higher (and therefore slower) to do that than to rely on the built-in muscle memory for a retype. I have where each normal keyboard key is memorized; one can NOT, by definition, memorize where keys that pop up only due to specific context will be, so fuck that row of choices.

I further know that most people give two shits about capitalization or grammar or spelling at all these days, and most texts are written in a combination of emoji and whatever letters pop up when some Vine-addled fuckboi just drags his dick across the Apple keyboard, but I'm going to be back over here raging against the dying of the light on this one, however much Apple insists on fighting me about it.